Memories
by Lady Morgain
Summary: Right now it is the only thing I can do to cope with the recent advances.' Remus has to write this letter. He's having a depression, who can safe him and at what cost? last chapter up. finally
1. Chapter 1

**Morgain: **Ok, so this is a story I've been writing on for ages and I never seemed to be able to finish it. _(worried look)  
_**Lance:** And I can tell you, if Morain is like that it drives you crazy, I should know. _(looks tired)  
_**Morgain:** Hey, no fair... Oh, whatever. Anyway, this is a HP fic, and well, it's kind of strange...  
** Jon:** Just face it, your stories just aren't normal...  
** Morgain: **You've got a point there. _  
_

**Disclaimer:** Morgain doesn't, nor will she ever, own Harry Potter or anything else JK Rowling thought up. Rowena isn't a origianal HP character and made up by Morgain. She is pure fiction, any resemblance with an existing person is coincidence.

---

During the time Sirius's in Azkaban, Remus has only one person to turn to: Rowena, who has been his and Sirius's closest friend, since their last year at school. She always knows what to do, or does she? Sometimes, even she doesn't know the answers to all Remus' questions. Yet she always tries to help whenever she can. After writing a lot of letters, Remus finally decides to tell her some of his deepest and darkest secrets.

---

_Dear Rowena, _

_Perhaps I should have written this story down years and years ago. I really don't know about that but I do know that, right now, it is the only thing I can do, to cope with the recent advances. As I'm sitting here, at the kitchen table, trying to write down my memories to give you a better view inside my mind, tears keep running down my cheeks, dropping onto the page and leaving wet spots. I do not bother them. After all that has happened, I think I have a good right to cry. _

_The first memory that bursts into my mind is the memory of that small time when Sirius en I lived like we were strangers for each other. I won't forget that terrible time ever again in my whole life. Knowing the person you love is near to you, but acts as if you aren't there is something no one should ever life to see. I know that you'll understand._

---

"Remus." Sirius' voice was coming from far away. "Hey, wake up man. The sun's almost up." Slowly Remus opened his eyes, feeling his muscles scream with every movement he tried to make. Sirius was looking down at him on the cold floor of the shrieking shack. Slowly views of the previous night came back into Remus' mind. There had been a strange smell, the smell of a human, and the wolf had tried to attack it. The pictures in his mind were out of focus and Remus wasn't sure about what had happened but he was quite sure about who the human had been. Snape's look of horror was the clearest picture of the whole night. "What happened?" Remus finally managed to say. "Snape was here, how did he found out were to go?" Suddenly tears felt Sirius's eyes. "I'm sorry Remus!" He turned round and ran away, leaving Remus with his confused thoughts. What did Sirius mean by that? Did this mean Sirius had told Snape how to get into the shack? As his thoughts were getting more and more confused, slowly his eyelids got heavy again, and as he was trying to unwind his thoughts he fell asleep.

When he opened his eyes again he was in the hospital wing. Clearly madam Pomfrey had cured his bruises because they didn't hurt any more. But she couldn't cure the pain in his heart. It seemed as if someone had stepped a knife into his chest and was turning it around. What had happened? Why had Sirius, of all people in the world, Sirius, betrayed his trust? He could have bared it from almost everyone, even from Peter or James, but Sirius was the person most dear to him.

It came to Remus in a rush, he had to talk to Sirius, he had to find out why Sirius had done this to him. Remus still didn't understand why the wolf hadn't attacked Snape but, right now, he was more concerned about the fact Sirius had betrayed him. He jumped out of bed and ran to the door. Madam Pomfrey came hurrying out of her office and tried to stop him. But he kept running. He stopped in front of the fat lady's portrait. He was completely out of breath. He knew he shouldn't have run away, even now he could feel the weakness that always came to him after the full moon. He snapped the password, as the fat lady started to ask him question, like why he had been running, and entered the common room. There was nobody there, all the other students were off to their classes. He went up to the dormitory and tried to find his books for his next class, transfiguration, perhaps he would be able to talk to Sirius there. _At least I'll see him_.

Mc Gonnagal was surprised to see him. She raised her eyebrows but didn't say anything. Remus thanked her for that, because his fellow students were very curious about where he'd been the previous hour, especially the Slytherings. Remus walked over to his table and sat down. His thoughts were running wild. Maybe Sirius hadn't done anything. Maybe he, Remus, had dreamt Sirius had been in the shack this morning. Sirius would walk in any moment now, sit next to him and tell him Snape had all himself figured out how to get into the shack.

Sirius appeared in the doorway. He was looking pale and his eyes were going quickly around the room. Their eyes made contact. _Please Sirius, tell me everything is all right._ But Sirius didn't. He turned on his heels and walked out of the classroom. Remus felt the knife turn over, again and again. He wanted to scream, but instead he took out his quill and wrote a little note to James, who had taken his seat next to Remus. 'What happened last night? I need to know!'

"I don't know Remus, really, I don't." James sighed. "I wish I could tell you what happened last night and I can tell you some things, but I don't know why Sirius told Snape." To hear James say it, again, was painful, even though it was clear by now that Sirius indeed had told Snape how to get to the shack. James went on talking. Clearly he didn't know how much pain it caused Remus to hear what the person he loved and trusted had done. "I never have seen Sirius in such a state, not even when that letter from his parents arrived last year, remember?"

Remus did remember. Sirius had been very angry about that letter and had refused to tell them what it was about. So Remus nodded. Sure he remembered. "He was just as angry," James continued, "but he was almost in tears now as well. He told us, he had told Snape to go to the shack and then he ran out of the room. I haven't seen him, ever since. I went looking for Snape, but he had already found you, so I had to pull him away."

So that was why the wolf hadn't attacked Snape, but what if James had failed to get him away from there. It would have been a double murder. He didn't want to think about it. But the thought came up in his mind again and again. "And Sirius?" He asked James, who shook his head. "I told you. I haven't seen him since. I didn't have the same class the firs hour, so I don't know if he attended there. You know about the rest of the day yourself." James finished. "I suppose so." Remus replied.

He looked round the common room as if he hoped to see Sirius. But he knew Sirius wasn't there. Sirius hadn't been in any of the lessons that day and hadn't been in the great hall during lunch or dinner. In fact, nobody had seen him. He wasn't in the hospital wing and James and Peter had helped Remus checking the hidden pass ways. They had checked most of the empty classrooms. By the time it was getting late, Remus just had to accept that Sirius didn't want to be found. He felt like crying, only one day without Sirius had past and already, he felt like dieing. He muttered something about getting sleepy and made his way across the room, toward the stairs. He tried to hide his face, 'cause the tears were streaming down his cheeks by now.

---

Suddenly, he was back in the shack. Someone was looking down on him, but it wasn't Sirius this time. In fact, he didn't know who it was at all. For the person was wearing a black cloke and hood. Slowly very slowly, the person took a knife out of its pocket. Remus was staring at it, he couldn't move an inch. "Die, creature of the dark." The person hadn't spoken very loud, but the words were ringing in Remus' ears. "Go back to the dark place you come from." Slowly the person moved the knife closer. "Stop. Please!" His voice was shaking. A sharp laugh without any warmth left the persons lips. "You want to die. I can see it in your eyes. You're betrayed by the one you love. He hates you and you can't live without him. You want to die!" "No!" Remus wanted to move away, but his body wouldn't obey him. The knife was inches away from Remus' neck. He felt something push against his side and he screamed.

The scream was so loud, it woke him. Next to him, a huge black dog was pushing its head against him. Sirius, the dog, had tried to wake him, when he heard his confused pleads, knowing Remus had one of those nightmares he always had after the full moon. Remus almost started to cry again. He was right, Sirius didn't hate him, even now he was trying to pick him up when he was down. He wanted to thank Sirius, but the dog turned, jumped back on his own bed and closed the curtains, leaving Remus even lonelier than before.

---

The next morning Sirius began to attend classes again. He sat down beside Peter, at the other end of the classroom end didn't look at Remus the for whole day. Remus was sitting between James and Lily, who tried to keep him doing the thinks he usually did in class, but they failed to succeed. Remus kept looking at Sirius, and if he didn't look at him he remembered his dream, last night. Lunch came and went without Sirius sitting next to him and making jokes and slowly Remus got the feeling he was sinking into a swamp. The afternoon lessons where even worse than the morning ones, since Sirius started to flirt with any girl who was sitting close to him. James and Lily tried to keep Remus occupied so he wouldn't see, but he knew perfectly well what was going on at the opposite of the room. By the time dinner arrived Remus was as down as he had never been all of his life.

When Remus returned to the common room he came past an empty corridor. He heart a soft sound coming out of it and looked around the corner. In the middle of the corridor Sirius was locked into a tight embrace with Rowena a bright Ravenclaw girl. Before his angriness got the better of him, Remus remembered that she was about the only girl in Ravenclaw Sirius hadn't gone out with. That thought made him even angrier. He stepped out of the shadows and into the corridor. Rowena saw him first en slowly let go of Sirius and turned him around. Sirius looked at Remus and ran passed him, as quick as he could, trying not to touch him. He was just one second out of sight when Remus started screaming at Rowena. She didn't do anything until Remus started to accuse her and Sirius of being kissing to hurt his, Remus', feelings.

When Remus came at that point Rowena actually exploded and Remus shut up in shock. "REMUS, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK SIRIUS WOULD DO THAT?! IF YOU HAD PAID ANY ATTENTION AT ALL, YOU WOULD HAVE SEEN HE WAS CRYING, IN THE FIRST PLACE!" At this point she took a deep breath and continued at a more normal tone. "Now, Sirius has been talking to me about you for some time now. He tried to go out with me one day and we ended up in the three broomsticks talking about his feelings for you and decided that he and I where far from a perfect couple. He explained me that he loved you and he told me some very interesting things, maybe we should sit and talk about it. Remus nodded and followed her through the portrait whole.

Remus and Rowena sat down near the fire and Rowena stared to tell him what Sirius had told her. Slowly Remus understood what she meant when she said Sirius was dating all those other people because he didn't know what to do. She easily waved away Remus' complains by asking him what he would have done. He replied that she shouldn't ask him that question because he was very different from Sirius. She laughed and said. "Well then, now you've admitted that Sirius would have done exactly what he did." In shock, Remus realised that she was right. Sirius was dating all those girls because he had tried to deny that he loved Remus. Remus had other ways of denying he loved Sirius (like reading) but he had tried to deny it for some time too. Fact was that Sirius had always been true to him after they had become a couple, the idea of Sirius kissing Rowena seemed absurd now. She smiled when she saw he came to that conclusion. She rose from her chair, patted Remus' head and simply walked out of the room, heading for her dormitory. At the door she turned around. "Go talk to him, Remus." She said, before leaving.

---

Remus looked down at the scroll of parchment before him and realised that it was full. This story was clearly going to take time. Part of him was glad that finally this story came out. The other part of him was scared of what would happen when he stopped writing. The parchment was tearstained. All of a sudden he remembered something Sirius had said when Remus had asked him if he was crying in second year. The boy had blinked his eyes and said. 'Boys don't cry, Remus.' But his eyes had been swimming and there had been tracks of tears on his face. As he remembered tears came running out of Remus' eyes and he was unable to stop them, he turned back to his writing and noticed that, slowly, he got calm again.

---

"Sirius, Sirius!" Remus ran up at the boy who was walking in front of him and grabbed his arm. Sirius didn't try to break free, nor did he acknowledge Remus' presence. "We need to talk Sirius, this can't go on." Sirius nodded, and suddenly grabbed Remus' hand. Then he started running, running as if he had to reach the end of the world within an hour.

Finally they stood opposite each other at the side of the lake. "Why?" It was all Remus could ask. Sirius' eyes were filled with tears, and this time, he didn't seem to bother. "I don't know Remus, I have no excuse, I just got angry I suppose, I…" Remus pushed his finger against Sirius' lips. "No, not that… Why did you avoid me? That's all I want to know, I missed you, and it hurt, even more than what you did." "You must hate me. I ruined to many things. I thought it would be better to leave you alone." Remus shook his head. "I thought I'd hate you, in the beginning. But then, I realised, that whatever you'd do. Even if you left me, killed me, whatever, I'd always love you. Once I realised that, I knew I could forgive you for this."

Sirius was crying by now and Remus just had to hug him. Sirius hid his face in Remus' neck and whispered. "I'm so sorry Rem, I really am." "I know." "Just don't let go, hold me, don't let me go." "Never, I promise."

---

_The pain's back now, only it's here to stay. I can forgive him, even for this, but I'll never see him again. What am I to do? I bet you can't get us out of this one. I'll have to learn and live with this emptiness, but I feel like I can't. I'm going to stop writing, or you won't be able to read this, because the ink's getting messy because of my tears. _

_With love, _

_Remus_

---

Remus stared at the finished letter. Back then, things had been simple, but that time was long ago. Rowena would understand, she always understood everything, but this was something even she could not solve. The emptiness would stay with him, for always.

---

**Morgain: **Well, it doesn't feel like finished for me, so I'm going to write a 2nd chapter, it should be up a.s.a.p.  
** Jon:** Reviews are appreciated, they will keep Morgain happy...  
** Lance:** See you, _(waves)_


	2. Chapter 2

At last, I've got a second chapter... And that's not the only thing, I've got to write a third chapter too. (looks worried). It's still not finished (looks tired) I'm absolutely going crazy... This was supposed to be a one-shot :S. Anywayz, here is the seconed chapter... Enjoy.

**Disclaimer:** Morgain doesn't own Harry Potter, that would have been very sad for Remus, as you can read in this fanfic (see, that's what it is, a fanfic, not a official story), no money is made out of this.

Morgain apologises for any errors made in this text, English isn't her native language and she doesn't work with a beta-reader. This is no excuse for her mistakes but it is a explaination.

* * *

Remus stared out of the window. It was raining outside. Rowena hadn't answered his letter, already days had passed, normally she'd write back very quickly. Remus didn't care, he was sinking into lethargy and most of the time he was staring out of the window, just like now.

Slowly it was getting dark, but Remus didn't notice. He hadn't slept for a long time. Sending his letter to Rowena had been the last sensible thing he'd done. After that moment he'd let go and now his life was faling apart. And, again, he didn't care.

All he was feeling was the pain, slowly taking over his entire life. He was sinking into a swamp, drowning in tears and choking like a fish upon the land, all at the same time. Time passed.

The night turned into day, and that day turned into night again, he lost track of time. Life went on, like a living hell. He didn't know how many days or weeks had passed when he finally forced himself to eat something. But he'd lost the ability to taste anything.

Then the full moon came, and the wolf cried out all the pain and sorrow, then curled up in a corner and fell to sleep. Not only was it strange behaviour for the wolf, it also was the first time Remus slept in weeks.

---

When he awoke someone was hovering over him, blokking out the sharp morning light. The person was hooded and cloaked, just like the person in his dream from years ago. His first reaction was out of fear, curling up into a ball. Then he heared a soft female voice. "Remus, are you allright? Why didn't you answer my letters?" Then he saw her cloak wasn't black, but blue, and he remembered who she was and why she was there.

She lowered the hood she was wearing. Her short blond hair fel into her face. Her concerned face was just to much and he broke down and cried. The tears started to flow and they wouldn't stop. The sound of sobs started to fill the room and Remus felt as if he was choking in the sound. Rowena softly grabbed his arm en gently lead him outside, into the garden and the early morning sun. It was early summer and warm enough to sit outside. She pushed him into a chair and walked back inside. Promising she would be back soon with something to eat.

His head was spinning and aching. The pain was gone, and instead there was an emptiness that wasn't healing the wound but didn't make them worse either. Suddenly the sun seamed less bright and all colors seamed to fade. Any feelings that might have been left inside him disappeared and he started to fal into a dark pit. It was a fall without an end and he was swallowed by darkness.

---

She walked outside again to the place she'd left Remus just a minute ago. But when she arrived there she knew right away she'd been away to long. Remus' eyes where empty and staring into nothing. Her worst fear had came true, if she couldn't break through this depression she'd lose him, and she knew.

"Remus..." She tried to talk to him, but he didn't answer her. "Remus, talk to me. Remus!" She kept trying but failed. The kept staring without noticing her. She sat down on her knees in front of him and grabbed his hands. He didn't react at first but then he looked down at their entangled hands and looked right into her eyes.

"Remus! I know you can hear me. Please, answer me." She felt hopeless. He was so close, yet so far away. She had to reach him, if she didn't, he'd die. He would, again, forget to take care of himself and eventually, it would lead to his death. Images of a dead wolf that, slowly, transformed into a human being tortured her. "I don't want to find you dead after a full moon, Remus. Do you hear me?! I don't want to!" She was screaming, but Remus view had faded again, and he did no longer see her.

He head dropped onto Remus' lab and tears filled her eyes. "Remus, please. Don't leave me. Don't leave me." She had always thought that, when she would have to face a moment like this, she would be strong, she would know what to do and save whoever it was she had to take care of. But things turned out different. She noticed that she missed the third person of their group and the pain of realising Sirius was no longer there to help either of them came crushing in.

"So that's what you feel. The emptiness is taking over, and you stopped caring. Well, I'll tell you what Remus, I dó care. I'll get you out of this. I'll prove I can do what I thought I'd do. I'll stay strong and I will win!"

---

Weeks passed, and slowly Remus was getting better. Rowena nursed him day and night. She'd stay by his side when he went to sleep, she'd wake him up when he'd have a nightmare and she'd feed him when he was hungry. When things had gotten back to normal Remus could recall the moment she'd tried to feat him something for the first time. Most of his memories of that time where a blur, but that event was something that he'd remember the rest of his life. Probably because his body, his fragile body that was no longer used to food, had decided to trow almost all of the soup out. That was because he hadn't listened to Rowena's warning. She'd told him to eat slowly and carefully, but his confused brain hadn't registered her words and he had learned the hard way.

After she'd cleaned the mess up she'd put an arm around him and carefully she'd helped him to eat. She didn't give him much, but after a while his body got used to eating again.

His behaviour was unpredictable at the time, and looking back he felt ashamed of his continues mood-swings. Rowena sometimes lost hope, after one of his outbursts he would find her back in the kitchen, crying. One time even she'd screamed at him: "Do you want me to leave you to yourself, do you want me to take you to a hospital? I'm very sure that they won't be nice to a werewolf who's having a depression!" She'd flung her arms around his neck and they'd both cried.

But she'd had stayed strong. For both of them. And after Remus had gotten better and was able to live by himself again, she made a sacrifice that Remus would always be thankful for. By that time two years had passed and the pain of Sirius' betrayal had been slowly lulled into sleep. It was still there, but it didn't overshadow Remus' life any more.

Or so they thought, because one night Remus found himself back in their seventh year, facing the same nightmare that had haunted him al those years ago. But this time no-one was there to wake him (Rowena had gone home for the night, she wouldn't be back until the next morning), and so, the dream went on.

---

_The hooded person was holding the knife close to Remus' chest. "Die. Because you want to. I know it." Slowly the hood was lowered, and Remus screamed. Sirius was staring back at him and then screamed just as lout. "Remus?" "Sirius?" "What on earth? Did I just tell you you wanted to die? Did I actually tell that to you of all people?" "I suppose you did..." Sirius reached out his hand and Remus grabbed it and was pulled up by the other. Before either of them could speak they were hugging, both of them almost crushing the other. "Don't let go, hold me, just don't let me go." "You've said that before, and you already know my answer." "But back then I'd had actually committed a crime. A crime that compared to this supposed crime is almost nothing. Can you still love me after al this?" "I told you, I'd love you forever." _

_They were holding onto each other, just like back then. Remus felt the pain coming back, but just before it could completely take over, it occurred to him."Hang on. Did you say 'supposed crime' did you say 'I'd actually committed a crime' do you mean what I think you're saying?" But Sirius didn't answer. "Goodbye Remus..." "Wait! I need to know. Tell me!" He tried to grab Sirius' wrist, but all his fingers found was air. _

_---_

When Rowena arrived the next morning she found Remus in bed with the curtains still closed. For the first time in weeks she felt the fear of losing him crawl back into her mind. She attempted to open the curtains but Remus claimed to have a headache and said the light bothered him to much. It wasn't until lunch though she started to feel uncertain.

Remus' depressed mood seemed to have found his way up again. He wouldn't eat or sleep and she started to feel desperate. "Remus, please. You've come so far, don't let go now." She pleaded him, but he didn't react and she cried, for she thought that finally, he'd given up the fight and she'd failed to save him. "Remus, tell me, tell me what's wrong. Everything went so well, I thought you'd make it, what changed?"

"I saw him." Remus' voice trembled. "In a dream. He was the one who told me to die, he said I wanted to..." She interrupted him. "You mean the person from your nightmares it actually was Sirius?" She couldn't believe it, but Remus nodded. "His face was pale, and his eyes where empty. He's suffering Rowena, and I can't stand it. I love him. If he's in pain, so am I. You're trying to safe the wrong person, if you can't cure him, you can't cure me." "Oh, Remus, you know I'd want to safe both of you. But I don't know if I did. Remember what Sirius did... Oh, I'm so sorry to say this to you." She shook her head, how could she say this to him? He loved Sirius for goodness sake. "That's just it. He says he hasn't done it."

"What?" She felt like she was drunk, yet she knew she hadn't touched any drink all morning. "Remus, do you have a fever? You're babbling, you have to be. Did you lose your mind, or did I just go crazy? That must be it, I'm going crazy. I thought you just said that Sirius claims to not have committed that terrible crime." "You're not going crazy, that's what I just said." "Remus, how can you say that? I know you loved him, and I know you'll always will, but all the evidence..." She heard her voice break. "I can't say this, not to you."

Remus grabbed her hand and forced her to look at him. "Please, I know it hurts, I feel the pain every day. But I saw Sirius, I have to know for certain. Surely you must understand that." "I know Remus, I'd like to know for certain to, but I suppose we'll never know, not unless..." She trailed off. "Not unless someone goes to Azkaban to find out..." She bit her lip. "Forget it Remus, that's just one of my crazy thoughts, let it go." "I can't. If I let go, I'll die." "I know..."

---

She was holding his hand. By the time it grew dark a fever entered his body and wouldn't let go. Rowena had stopped trying to cool his forehead. Both of them knew it was no use. "You're dying." Her voice was nothing more than a whisper, a sigh of the wind. He didn't have the power to react. "Oh, if only I could help you. I wish the war didn't exist, I wish non of this had happened. I can't safe you, and I'm sure that by now I can't even save myself from darkness." Then she fel silent again, or maybe he just doze of into sleep, he didn't know.

The night went by. Both of them watched it pas, sometimes both wide awake, sometimes barely concious. When the early morning light came Rowena suddenly let go of his hand. "I don't know if this i going to work, but I'll try. If I go to Azkaban and try to talk to Sirius, will you find peace? Will you live if you have certainty about the whole matter?" Remus managed to find enough strength to argue with her. "Are you sure you are willing to go to that place? Would you take the risk of getting caught with a dangerous prisoner talking about him being not guilty?" She shot a question right back at him. "Do you believe your dream? Do you believe Sirius?" "Yes I do." "Than will you trust me, and let me take this risk? I want to know for certain I tried everything to save you, or I can't let you die."

* * *

Well, that's it... Next chapter coming soon... I'm going to have to write more :S. Oh well, we'll see, I'll try. Please leave a review, I'll reply to everyone of them (puppy eyes) 


	3. Chapter 3

Morgain: Look, look! It's an update. (goes into shock) I don't believe this. I actually managed to finish it. I never though I'd write a proper ending for this story, anything I tried just didn't seem right. Well, now I have an end. I don't know about it. Tell me, what do you think? Enjoy reading anyway.

**Disclaimer:** I'm very, very glad for Remus that I don't (see, DON'T) own Harry Potter.

* * *

"Remus. Please wake up." Her voice was ragged and she was breathing hard. It was clear she'd run up the stairs without taking a pause to catch her breath. Slowly Remus opened his eyes. When Rowena had left the sun hadn't been up yet, by now, it was getting dark again. He just got a glimpse of the fading light before her arms locked him in a tight embrace. "You were right... He didn't do it."

She let go of him, so that he could breath and he was surprised to see tears in her eyes. "What's wrong? Aren't you happy, just like me?" "Yes, I am. I'm glad he's innocent. But even now that we know, we can't do anything to help him. No-one would believe us. Don't you understand, he's doomed to stay there, forever. We can't get him out."

For a moment he'd felt great joy. Now, he was faling again. Faling into the black pit he'd fallen into so many times during his depression. Then a little voice came up to his head. 'This isn't happening again. You'll survive. Snap out of this. Don't let al of Rowena's work be in vain.' And slowly the realisation the little voice was right crept into his mind. "I know we can't help him, but we already did." She gave him a confused look. "Don't talk nonsense Remus, how can we've helped him?"

"He's still in that place. It's terrible over there. Al my happy thoughts went away, just like they tell you they will. Even when he told me your dream was true I couldn't smile. Al I felt was this deep sadness, and he's feeling it every day. The only thing keeping him sane is the thought he's innocent, he told me. How can we ever have helped him is he's still in there?" Remus shook his head. "Ah, but we did. He now knows he's not alone, he knows we know. That must be helping. And don't argue with me, I know him so much better than you do. I don't want to hurt you, but its true." She nodded. "I know."

"But how can you be so strong?" Her look was one of confusion. "Yesterday evening I didn't think you'd survive... Now, while I'm at the brink of despair, you sit here, telling me to be strong. For that's what you're doing, aren't you?" Remus nodded at her. "Yes, that's what I'm doing. You should be strong." He took her hand. "I know what you mean. I thought about it too. But then I thought that maybe, one day, we will be able to do something for him. Maybe, when people look different on the war we can get him out of there. Just maybe we shouldn't lose all our hope. If Sirius had lost hope he wouldn't try to survive. He would give himself over to the darkness. But he doesn't, it would be so easy for him to let go, to become mad, but he's trying to stay sane."

She squeezed his hand. Maybe he was right. Maybe they would be able to help Sirius. Everything Remus said did make sense. Now that she thought of it. Sirius would have had so many opportunities to let go of everything, yet, she'd been there, she had talked to him. "Maybe you're right Remus. Maybe it's just still the effect of spending some time with those dementors around. God, I can't think about bearing that for year after year."

---

A bit later, they walked downstairs. Rowena took of her coat and in the meantime checked her pockets for things she might had left in there. Reaching inside her last pocket she felt the little note, neatly folded. Sirius eyes came back into her mind, the look he'd given her when he'd asked her to give the note to Remus was not easy to forget.

_His eyes had burned with something that had looked like the glow that the old Sirius could have in his eyes. "Promise you'll give it to him Rowena. Promise me!" "I promise. Of course. But what does it say? Why is it so important?" "I can't tell you. You wouldn't give it to him if I told you. Just believe me Rowena, he'll understand. You will understand too, but later, much later." "Sirius, please... It won't hurt him, will it?" He'd avoided her gaze, and she knew enough. Yet, she'd given him her word, and so, she had to give the note to Remus._

"Remus, Sirius asked me to give you this. He said you'd understand..." Remus had just picked up a book and looked up from it. "What is it?" She gave him the note. "Here, he wouldn't tell me what it says, but, maybe... You could be shocked by it. I figured that much." Remus just nodded and continued opening the note, then reading it.

His face went pale and slowly, to her it seemed like in slow motion, he let himself drop upon the couch. His hand, holding the note, was trembling, in fact, trembling so much that he dropped the piece of paper. His tears filled with tears and she felt her own heart break. She could guess what the note said. Sirius had scribbled it on the small piece of paper she'd found in one of her pockets. His eyes had been filled with tears when he wrote it, so she knew enough.

Instead of picking the note up she sat down next to Remus and laid an arm around him. "Why?" Remus' his voice was shaking. "Why does he ask this of me? How can I ever forget him?" So her thoughts were right, was the only thing she could think within a few seconds. Sirius had asked Remus to bring this sacrifice. Why she did not know, but she guessed it was because Sirius wanted Remus to be free. She wondered whether of not she should tell her thought to the man next to her, and decided against it. "I don't know Remus. I just don't know."

---

His eyes were red from all the crying he'd done since that night. He still didn't think of Sirius' request. It was just to much to bear. Looking back, it seemed that it would have been so much easier if he'd died, that one night, when Rowena had almost let go of him. If only she'd let go, Remus found himself thinking. Then he wouldn't have to feel this strange feeling. This not caring. The emptiness he had felt before was nothing compared to this feeling of emptiness in not only his heart but also his life.

He would have to learn to live with this feeling. He wouldn't be granted an other way to escape this empty life, he knew that much. He hadn't obeyed Sirius request. He hadn't tried to forget everything that had been between them in the past. Nor had he allowed himself to think about said request. If he tried he broke down in sobs and Rowena had to calm him down.

And so he lived on. Day in, day out, watching the days go by. Not allowing himself to think. Making sure he didn't have to think about anything. Living today, and not a day ahead. Not making any plans. Just survive each day. Don't read, it will upset you, don't listen, you'll get scared, don't do anything, you might lose yourself on the way. Live your life, play this game.

He helped Rowena around the house. The neighbours thought they were a couple. Neither of them cared. They lived in the same house by now, because Remus still didn't wanted to be left alone, and Rowena didn't dare leave him to himself. Sirius' name had never been uttered after that night, a month ago now.

Still, the subject was always lingering in the air. It was never said out loud, but they both knew perfectly well. Sirius was still a part of their lives. Don't go there, Remus told himself as he was sprinkling some water on the vegetables. And for the first time he allowed himself to think. Maybe Sirius was right, maybe he should try to forget him?

---

That night te dream returned, but in a different way. The hooded person reached out his hand and pulled him to his feet. "You should enjoy life. Even without me." Sirius' voice was shaking. They embraced eachother clinging onto the other as if the world would end if they'd let go. It all weemed so real, but they both knew it was a dream. They hold eachother, kissed eachother with a strange honger. "I need you. I can't live when you're in that place." "Remus, you have to, you have to live for both of us. I want you to. THere will be a day when we'll be together again. But for now, we have to learn to live with memories. Now sleep. I'll stay with you."

When Remus woke the next morning he couldn't remember the dream that had been so real right away. However, he felt that there was something strange. His bed was soft and warm, and next to him it looked as if someone had rested his head upon the cushion. Something lay in the deepest point of the print, it glittered. His fingers closed around it and the memories came back again. "Now sleep. I'll stay with you." It was a frozen tear, it had rolled down Sirius' cheek and Remus had catched it. He heared Sirius voice. "I love you, love you, love you, love you, you, you, you..." The words echoed in his head, but they gave him strength.

"I'll live with memories. We'll be together again. I love you. Forever." The mantra continued without Remus saying it over and over again. I floated through the air, it streamed with the water, it drove itself into the earth. It moved until it reached a small island. And on the island, in a ceel, a man transformed into a dog.

* * *

So, well, this was the last chapter. I hope you liked it. Please tell me what you think, and see you around. 


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